We had the 2nd counseling session the other day. You've been on your best behavior. You've been acting shocked by anything that I say such as "You never want to spend time with the family. As soon as you get home you try to leave" - (Of course I had to word in in a "non-threatening" way, you know take out as many "you's" as possible and change them to "I feel") - so your response to all of that?
What!? (innocent shock) I don't understand why you think that? I only do that to try and make your life easier! Like taking out the trash and grocery shopping.
And me because I was so caught off guard by his innocent shock act. Couldn't remember to bring up the fact that no - what I really mean is how he is always trying to run to go by himself something at the mall.
I've been kicking myself ever since about not having that information to provide at the time I needed it. I'm sure I looked like a needy, controling idiot. Not next time - I had the hope that the counselor having interviewed us separately would say "ok this is what I think you 2 need!" she didnt really do that (until we told her we wanted to do that) so I'm going to prepare a list of things with examples that we can talk about - since we are paying $80 an hour for things that we should be able to talk about in the comfort of our own home.
That is if YOU could communicate!
So sum of - not hopeful - feeling stuck - regretting my marriage.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Counseling Day 1
I started counseling today. I told her all about our marriage and our relationship. I feel stupid. Getting it all out on the table with no fluff. It was stark and glaring and embarassing. Embarrassing because it shows me 2 things:
1) that I'm very strong
2) that I'm very stupid
Probably a little bit of both - I guess when I took my marriage vows and I said for better or for worse. I guess I really meant it and you are trying your hardest to show me what the worst REALLY looks like.
I told her about our marriage and I told her that you are a child of an alcoholic father. I told her about how your family CAN'T communicate that you ignore one another. I told her that you can't communicate that you ignore me. That instead of working out problems you either clam up and blow me off and then do whatever you want to do anyway or belittle me. I told her about how you aren't responsible and are a perpetual kid. I wonder if you will realize this and take ownership for it. I wonder if our marriage will survive this. On Day 1 I doubt it. I'm preparing myself for divorce. I dont want to be blindsided like I was with your affair.
I knew your parents screwed you up and now I have confirmation from a professional. Yay me! But what is the use in being right?
Do you know it? Do you believe it. Will you do something about it? You have a one-on-one session with her on Saturday. Wonder what will come out of that.
1) that I'm very strong
2) that I'm very stupid
Probably a little bit of both - I guess when I took my marriage vows and I said for better or for worse. I guess I really meant it and you are trying your hardest to show me what the worst REALLY looks like.
I told her about our marriage and I told her that you are a child of an alcoholic father. I told her about how your family CAN'T communicate that you ignore one another. I told her that you can't communicate that you ignore me. That instead of working out problems you either clam up and blow me off and then do whatever you want to do anyway or belittle me. I told her about how you aren't responsible and are a perpetual kid. I wonder if you will realize this and take ownership for it. I wonder if our marriage will survive this. On Day 1 I doubt it. I'm preparing myself for divorce. I dont want to be blindsided like I was with your affair.
I knew your parents screwed you up and now I have confirmation from a professional. Yay me! But what is the use in being right?
Do you know it? Do you believe it. Will you do something about it? You have a one-on-one session with her on Saturday. Wonder what will come out of that.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
My outlet
We all have trials in our life. I know that. I've experienced some pretty significant ones in my 30+ years on this earth. Trials come in 3 ways:
1) consequences of our own actions
2) consequences of someone else's actions
3) randomly just because we are on this earth (the rain falls on everyone when they are standing outside)
This is my blog to get through this trial. This is my way to share my thoughts and feelings when I feel like I need to without taking ownership that these thoughts and feelings are coming from me.
I've been writing to myself when I feel like I need an outlet. So sometimes I will recall certains days sometimes I will want to mull over a certain subject. I think I'm just going to go with it, however it can be therapeutic to me is how it will have to be.
I'm hoping that this will help me. I'm going on 9 months since I found out about my husband's affair and I think I am better in a lot of ways but for the most part I have felt like I have been suffering in silence. I see other people in church who are going through trials that people know of and although I dont begrudge them any of that sympathy. I want to say "comfort me too! I need a word of hope or some encouragement. " I have a really good friend that has been my support through this. I know it has been a drain on her the weight of the burden she carries of knowing the things that she knows so I've been looking for other outlets to relieve the burden from her. This is my outlet.
1) consequences of our own actions
2) consequences of someone else's actions
3) randomly just because we are on this earth (the rain falls on everyone when they are standing outside)
This is my blog to get through this trial. This is my way to share my thoughts and feelings when I feel like I need to without taking ownership that these thoughts and feelings are coming from me.
I've been writing to myself when I feel like I need an outlet. So sometimes I will recall certains days sometimes I will want to mull over a certain subject. I think I'm just going to go with it, however it can be therapeutic to me is how it will have to be.
I'm hoping that this will help me. I'm going on 9 months since I found out about my husband's affair and I think I am better in a lot of ways but for the most part I have felt like I have been suffering in silence. I see other people in church who are going through trials that people know of and although I dont begrudge them any of that sympathy. I want to say "comfort me too! I need a word of hope or some encouragement. " I have a really good friend that has been my support through this. I know it has been a drain on her the weight of the burden she carries of knowing the things that she knows so I've been looking for other outlets to relieve the burden from her. This is my outlet.
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