It's been a while since I posted last. Lots of catching up to do. But I will do that later...
I'm struggling. I discovered that he is having another affair with ANOTHER co-worker! Some place to work huh? I found her myspace page in about 5 mins of digging. Totally open to the public. The nights she is with her "sweet someone" you are out late with this buddy or that buddy. Looking over her pictures it makes me sick.
I'm everything a woman should be.....
I'm honest, kind, a good mother, faithful, God-fearing, I dress modestly, I'm accomplished, pretty, smart, I work-out, I help others, keep the Sabbath day holy, read my scriptures, go to the temple.
But none of those things matter and none of those are enough to keep him faithful!
Instead I'm seeing pictures of a 23 year old single mother. Who lives for parties, drinks like a fish, enjoys her cigarettes and bending over for the camera in her short shorts.
And for a minute.... just a MINUTE..I'm jealous!
"Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies" - Elizabeth Bowen
So I'm Jealous..... What am I thinking? Is this the GOLD standard for what a woman should be? No! Do I want to be this? Do I REALLY want to be her? NO!
"We don't really want what THEY HAVE. What we do want is the feeling of having what WE WANT, which is what WE THINK THEY HAVE!" -- Jan Johnson Drantell
Namely my husband.... namely them seeming to be happy!
So it hurts but I know that I don't want to be her. I dont want to be doing what she is doing. I see her smiling and laughing in her pictures! But is she HAPPY? Really? Is she happy with my husband? Really? No! It's all a big lie designed by the adversary that everyone (including me) is buying into.
I'm trying not to buy into it! I'm trying ...I'm trying...I'm trying!
But my crown of glory seems really far away. Judgement day seems REALLY far away! I kneel down to pray. I tell my feelings to my bishop. He gives me a priesthood blessing! I am reminded....
They are living up to the world's standard not Heavenly Father's standard....and that is what matters! This brings me comfort. It gives me perspective! It helps me to look at the situation for what it is....
Heavenly Father is pleased with me. He loves me. He loves them too. But he is not happy with their use of agency. And no matter how GOOD it seems to them right now. It's still not RIGHT.
And that brings me comfort because my qualities may not matter to him but they matter to my Savior and I'm everything a woman should be!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
1 comment:
Hi. I am a friend of Gigi's, the author of a blog you recently commented on. I read your blog and it made my heart ache. Although there are some similarities between your situations, I feel that you are in a very distructive situation, abusive even. I believe that only the Lord can guide our lives, but I hope you have the courage and support to do whatever his will is. If it means to stick it out, then I wish you the strenght to do so. If it means to start your life over with a clean slate, I hope you can do that also. I am concerned for those presious children that are caught in the middle. Don't let this situation screw them up like you husband's parents did to him! If they continue to live in this kind of situation they might believe that this is normal. I hope they are given a better chance at life and sucessful relationships.
Not to say that they cannot have happy relationships if they grow up with fighting parents and an unfaithful father, but I know it makes it hard. My husband grew up in very sad circumstances, yet thankfully he decided that life was not for him and he is a better husband/ father for it. {which is to say that your husband cannot blame his family for his actions!!! he has his agency! My husband had every excuse in the world to "fail", but choice not to}
Anyhow, this has become preachy and random, sorry. My bottom line is that I wish you the best and hope you have the love and support to make tough choices, if needed. God Bless you and your children.
Post a Comment