Done

My neck is stiff. It's stiff and my back hurts because you grabbed me by my ponytail tonight and jerked me up and and down until you forced me to the ground. I didn't decide to grow my hair out so that I could give you something to hold on to as you yell and intimidate me. I wanted to grow it out so that I could be pretty for you. But I am not pretty to you am I?

Anytime I question you - you tell me I'm controlling. You tried to spin me some yarn today about not being able to remember the login to the checking account so that you needed to get your own checking account - so that you could pay your credit cards of with it - faster. One you told me that I could not have access to. Then you made the comment that you paid 95% of your paycheck to your family, you should be able to do whatever you wish with the remaining 5. No questions asked - no telling me what you did with it.

That's fine so I get to have the same thing, right? ....NO!

Anger - Yelling - "Dont talk to me!"

Later in the day MORE yelling when I asked what you took $300 for and why you password protected your phone -

She is in town isnt she? I didn't say that outloud but that's what all signs are pointing to.

Pulling my hair, hitting my head on the wall, lock me out...."the kids are watching! STOP!"...."I DONT CARE!"

Now you are in jail. You might be out now. I dont know. You can't contact me until Weds afternoon. You cant come back to this house until Weds afternoon.

12 years - GONE! Actually it stopped at 11 years for me. I'm sure it's ALL my fault. I'm sure some of it really is but not that which you blame on me.

You made your own choices...you have your agency. I'm not going to live like this anymore. I don't want to be your wife anymore.

Another sleepless night

It must be nice to be at peace. He sleeps like a baby. Here I am again not sleeping. I am so miserable. I wonder what purpose my life has. Why me? Haven't I been a good person to you. Haven't I always just wanted the best for you, me, our kids, our family? I've worked hard. I've sacrificed. I've been selfless. I've put myself last because I thought I was sacrificing for something worth while. Now I realize you don't want it. You dont want the same things I want. You are happy to just let me be the one that works hard. Why am I here? How did I get here?

I think about forgiveness alot and it seems like an unattainable concept. I know I should forgive you but how can I forgive you when you are still the same old thing and you know it's my own fault I tried to turn you into who I wanted you to be and you know for my own defense I think that would be who the Lord wants you to be but alas you have your agency and you can ONLY BE who YOU WANT to be. And that is the underachieving husband who really doesnt love his wife, he's only with her because she is his golden ticket.

I"M USED! I"M USED! I'M USED! This is my life. Leave him and be ALONE as a broken woman. stay with him and be ALONE as a broken woman. IT"S NO DIFFERENT! Life is just stuck. It's a day to day endless torment of the SAME OLD CRAP and THERE IS NO WAY TO GET OUT OF IT! NONE! I AM STUCK HERE STUCK HERE STUCK HERE!

Lots of Fighting

The past couple of months we have been doing better in a few areas. We have been avoiding a lot of topics and discussions and pretending they don't exist. This week has been a horrible week.

Monday - fine
Tuesday - didnt see him all day, came home immediately left to go and play basketball with his new 20-something buddies
Wednesday - He got upset with me because he said that when he calls he wants me to be available to him
Thursday - I'm getting sick, he ignored me
Friday- He said he wanted to go play basketball again. I told him that I was going to let him decide his own priorities and that I wanted him to WANT to spend time with me and the kids. He said all I needed to do was to tell him if I would rather have him stay home but I told him that I wanted him to be able to make that determination for himself. He went and played ball - I didnt care - he would have ignored me anyway
Saturday - I made a snide comment to my friend about him infront of him. I apologized. He was pissed. I left him alone for a while and I needed to work out my feelings as well. I came to him later and had a good cry and told him about the anger I have inside because of all of the hurtful things he has done to me and that I havent been able to forgive him and get over it. He listened to me and gave me a hug. I felt validated. I took the older kids to a movie and then we read scriptures when I got home and then things took a turn for the worst.....

He reminded me that he is going to go to a pro-basketball game in April. I said that is fine -- it was fine. I asked him "when are you going to get taxes done?" ---silence ---

"can you please get them done next weekend?" ... no answer... no yes .. no no.. nothing!

I ask it again....he says he doesnt know. He said he will get them done before April 15th.

I say "could you get them done before the end of March?" - same thing...nothing

I snap at him "Why is this a GAME? Why do you have to act so coy?" I snap this as our youngest starts throwing up for the 5th time because she has the stomach flu

He storms downstairs and ignores all the times that I get up with her, even though he is downstairs watching TV, he cant get off of his lazy duff and help out, I have to wake up and help.

I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING! He is here to plan his leisure activities!

I try to go back to bed - I've been woken up too many times. I sit and STEW and stew and STEW!

About an hour has past...

I go downstairs and wake him up so we can talk.

I explain to him the reasons why I want to know when taxes are going to get done.

I guess none of those are reasonable he tells me he will F-in do them when he F-in wants to and that it will be before april 15th....

I tell him we need a "communication break"

actually I'm scared he is going to punch me!

I hate being married to him. I wish he would leave.

This Time Last Year....

I can't believe it has been a year since this all started. Well, when it officially all started. I think my husband was headed down the path to have an affair long before he even realized that that was the path that he was on.

I wonder how I am doing? Am I more healed then is "normal"? am I less? What is "normal"?

I think the next few months will be hard. Lots of "this time last year...." in my head.

"This time last year is when I found out about this..."

"This time last year is when I thought he was here but he was REALLY here..."

A lot of mulling it over in my brain again. If I could do that anymore then I already do now.

Now even more so then "usual" because it's the month of "this time last year".

I think counseling has helped. I think I need counseling on my own. I think he does too.

I still struggle with not knowing if I want to be in this marriage or not. I wonder "is this what my life is? My marriage is? Is this the DEFINING moment in my life?" If I stay married to him am I always going to be waiting for the "next one" am I always going to be paranoid and hurting? If I leave him am I forever going to be scarred by the divorce to a man that hurt me and betrayed me not once but twice (that I know of)? --- Is this me now -- the woman who has been done wrong and shattered by her husband?

I read her blog today - why do I do it. One reason - I want to keep tabs on her. Is she really gone and for good. She said that she called her old job and talked to the folks there. I was so thankful that my husband was not one of them - he was home with me with sick kids. But YAY! Good news! She is coming back (I think for a visit?) I dont know. It sounded like her sister is moving back. So then if her sister is back then it wont take long for her to follow. I don't think he job has been going very well. I wonder if they will hire her back. I wonder if they have a job opening. If she gets hired back then HE WILL QUIT his job. NO debating that. If this is just for a visit then how can I know for sure that he stays away from her. I don't even want a "Hey, long time no see. How is it going?" and if she gives him a hug or her give him one." It will MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE!!!!

March - Hard month to come. April - Even harder. May - June - will I get relief in July? Maybe August...maybe not.