This Time Last Year....

I can't believe it has been a year since this all started. Well, when it officially all started. I think my husband was headed down the path to have an affair long before he even realized that that was the path that he was on.

I wonder how I am doing? Am I more healed then is "normal"? am I less? What is "normal"?

I think the next few months will be hard. Lots of "this time last year...." in my head.

"This time last year is when I found out about this..."

"This time last year is when I thought he was here but he was REALLY here..."

A lot of mulling it over in my brain again. If I could do that anymore then I already do now.

Now even more so then "usual" because it's the month of "this time last year".

I think counseling has helped. I think I need counseling on my own. I think he does too.

I still struggle with not knowing if I want to be in this marriage or not. I wonder "is this what my life is? My marriage is? Is this the DEFINING moment in my life?" If I stay married to him am I always going to be waiting for the "next one" am I always going to be paranoid and hurting? If I leave him am I forever going to be scarred by the divorce to a man that hurt me and betrayed me not once but twice (that I know of)? --- Is this me now -- the woman who has been done wrong and shattered by her husband?

I read her blog today - why do I do it. One reason - I want to keep tabs on her. Is she really gone and for good. She said that she called her old job and talked to the folks there. I was so thankful that my husband was not one of them - he was home with me with sick kids. But YAY! Good news! She is coming back (I think for a visit?) I dont know. It sounded like her sister is moving back. So then if her sister is back then it wont take long for her to follow. I don't think he job has been going very well. I wonder if they will hire her back. I wonder if they have a job opening. If she gets hired back then HE WILL QUIT his job. NO debating that. If this is just for a visit then how can I know for sure that he stays away from her. I don't even want a "Hey, long time no see. How is it going?" and if she gives him a hug or her give him one." It will MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE!!!!

March - Hard month to come. April - Even harder. May - June - will I get relief in July? Maybe August...maybe not.