Another sleepless night

It must be nice to be at peace. He sleeps like a baby. Here I am again not sleeping. I am so miserable. I wonder what purpose my life has. Why me? Haven't I been a good person to you. Haven't I always just wanted the best for you, me, our kids, our family? I've worked hard. I've sacrificed. I've been selfless. I've put myself last because I thought I was sacrificing for something worth while. Now I realize you don't want it. You dont want the same things I want. You are happy to just let me be the one that works hard. Why am I here? How did I get here?

I think about forgiveness alot and it seems like an unattainable concept. I know I should forgive you but how can I forgive you when you are still the same old thing and you know it's my own fault I tried to turn you into who I wanted you to be and you know for my own defense I think that would be who the Lord wants you to be but alas you have your agency and you can ONLY BE who YOU WANT to be. And that is the underachieving husband who really doesnt love his wife, he's only with her because she is his golden ticket.

I"M USED! I"M USED! I'M USED! This is my life. Leave him and be ALONE as a broken woman. stay with him and be ALONE as a broken woman. IT"S NO DIFFERENT! Life is just stuck. It's a day to day endless torment of the SAME OLD CRAP and THERE IS NO WAY TO GET OUT OF IT! NONE! I AM STUCK HERE STUCK HERE STUCK HERE!