Timeline

2/20/08 - BM finds out he was passed up for a promotion at work.  I send him an email and tell him that other opportunities are ahead because he is living righteously
March '08 - BFH tells him at work that she is up for anything even though he is married - he goes to her house that night
March-April '08 - BM is acting REALLY happy.  I think it's an answer to my prayers - because he is in his last semester of college and FINALLY completing his degree.  He tells me he is going to the "library" every night. I'm suspicious but can't prove anything until he goes to library on night when library is closed for weekend.
4/25/08 - I confront him.  He tells me he is in love and has never felt this way before - even about me.  I kick him out
4/26/08 - He comes back the next day and tells the kids that he has found a chance to be happy and that he is taking it. My oldest tells him to repent and he says - "No - I don't want to"
4/26/08 - He comes back a few hours later and says that he decided that he wants to make it work - the kids take him back with open arms - how can I kick him out infront of the kids?  He did that on purpose
May '08 - I'm desperately trying to find a marriage counselor but there is a LONG waiting list
6/3/08 - He has his church disciplinary counsel. I don't go in with him for the confession (it's too hard, I now regret that).  I go in with him for the verdict - he is disfellowshipped.
6/4/08 - He showed true remorse and was tearful the rest of last night so I cancel my appt with the divorce attorney (I regret this now)
June - July '08 - We go to a marriage counselor. She is a nut job.  She hits on him and tells me that I am idealic and brainwashed into thinking men shouldn't cheat.  I get up and walkout and don't go back.
7/21/08 - BFH leaves state and goes and lives in a hippie commune
Aug '08 - I have a good birthday because of my friends.  He is a jerk to me.  The next day he gets physically violent with me.
Sep - Dec '08 - More of the same. I can't sleep, eat or stop crying.  I've lost 25 lbs so far. I live on 1 bag of frozen veggies per week - and water (I say to refill my tear ducts)
Dec '08 - His work Christmas party - if I could count the # of women who came up and gave him a hug or looked me over and made my radar go off I'd be a rich woman.
Jan '09 - We find a great counselor.  She cuts through his crap but hints that I need to move on
Feb '09 - He takes me on a Valentine's Day trip to NYC.  My BFF says that I am "whoring myself out for a trip to NYC" - she is right.
Mar '09 - He assaults me viciously infront of kids - I have him arrested.  I get a protective order and kick him out.
Jan - Mar '09 - He starts seeing DSM.  He gets a sexual harrassment complaint filed against him at work by a different girl. (BFH and DSM enjoy his hitting on him - obviously this girl didn't)
Apr '09 - He talks his way back into the house because he says he has nowhere else to go and that he wants to be with me and the kids (whatever..but I buy it) He is seeing DSM behind my back
May '09 - He is texting DSM during one of his kids' birthday parties.  I wonder does he get some perverse charge out of doing things like that? I guess so
June '09 - He says he wants to work on things but then does really rude things and tells me being married to me is like being in prison
July '09 - He tells me that he thinks we should start spending every other weekend on a vacation (and not together).  He goes on motorcycle rides each weekend and doesn't come back home until 5:30 in the morning. He tells me that I just need to trust him and that he needs to give me more opportunities to make me nervous so that I can work through MY neurosis....WHATEVER!  I hire my 1st Private Invesigator - Shaggy and Scooby - they were horrible
Aug '09 - He takes me out to dinner, he is a total JERK to me, makes me feel like a pity date.  It was misery.  It sucked.  When I got home I went to bed.  He came upstairs and woke me up later and TRIED to consummate things - his phone rings and I find out about DSM - I'm glad I shot him down.  I kicked him out
I hire my 2nd PI - Matlock - he follows BM to DSM's parents house. He sneaks in after DSM's daddy (RND) goes to work down at the factory and then sneaks out b4 RND gets home.  BM still goes to church with us and comes over for FHE, tells me that we are just taking a break but that our marriage will endure
Sep '09 - I find a love card in my car.  I call and confront DSM.  She lies about almost everything.  She is a trash-mouthed fighter that likes to brawl to settle things.  She told me several times that if I wanted to meet to settle things then she would meet me some place to fight me......really? what is the prize my adulterous husband...some prize..I told her she can have him
Oct '09 - I catch her over at his house in the middle of night. I have my PI with me.  It gets documented
Nov '09- My PI says that we have enough and puts together a report.  I give it to my attorney
Dec '09 - I wait and wait and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT. I finally get word. We have enough to file on grounds of ADULTERY and CRUELTY
Jan '10 - 1st court date - he doesnt show, 2nd court date - he doesnt show.  I am awarded sole custody.  I am awards all the child support I am asking for and marital debt support. The judge is "unimpressed" with BM's lack of regard for the legal process and the fact that he is not paying child support
Jan '10 - BM gets a ridiculous tatoo on his arm - now I know what the child support $ he wasn't paying went to.  After BM finds out that he has to start paying child support he FREAKS out on me - tells me I'm divorcing him for NO REASON - making up stories about him having affairs when he NEVER did - and that he won't be able to see the kids AT ALL because he will be HAVE to get a 2nd job....somehow I don't feel sorry for him...He tells me that I can't handle the kids by myself and I say - "really?  looks to me like that's already what I've been doing"

Everything a Woman Should Be

It's been a while since I posted last. Lots of catching up to do. But I will do that later...

I'm struggling. I discovered that he is having another affair with ANOTHER co-worker! Some place to work huh? I found her myspace page in about 5 mins of digging. Totally open to the public. The nights she is with her "sweet someone" you are out late with this buddy or that buddy. Looking over her pictures it makes me sick.

I'm everything a woman should be.....

I'm honest, kind, a good mother, faithful, God-fearing, I dress modestly, I'm accomplished, pretty, smart, I work-out, I help others, keep the Sabbath day holy, read my scriptures, go to the temple.

But none of those things matter and none of those are enough to keep him faithful!

Instead I'm seeing pictures of a 23 year old single mother. Who lives for parties, drinks like a fish, enjoys her cigarettes and bending over for the camera in her short shorts.

And for a minute.... just a MINUTE..I'm jealous!

"Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies" - Elizabeth Bowen

So I'm Jealous..... What am I thinking? Is this the GOLD standard for what a woman should be? No! Do I want to be this? Do I REALLY want to be her? NO!

"We don't really want what THEY HAVE. What we do want is the feeling of having what WE WANT, which is what WE THINK THEY HAVE!" -- Jan Johnson Drantell

Namely my husband.... namely them seeming to be happy!

So it hurts but I know that I don't want to be her. I dont want to be doing what she is doing. I see her smiling and laughing in her pictures! But is she HAPPY? Really? Is she happy with my husband? Really? No! It's all a big lie designed by the adversary that everyone (including me) is buying into.

I'm trying not to buy into it! I'm trying ...I'm trying...I'm trying!

But my crown of glory seems really far away. Judgement day seems REALLY far away! I kneel down to pray. I tell my feelings to my bishop. He gives me a priesthood blessing! I am reminded....


They are living up to the world's standard not Heavenly Father's standard....and that is what matters! This brings me comfort. It gives me perspective! It helps me to look at the situation for what it is....


Heavenly Father is pleased with me. He loves me. He loves them too. But he is not happy with their use of agency. And no matter how GOOD it seems to them right now. It's still not RIGHT.

And that brings me comfort because my qualities may not matter to him but they matter to my Savior and I'm everything a woman should be!

Done

My neck is stiff. It's stiff and my back hurts because you grabbed me by my ponytail tonight and jerked me up and and down until you forced me to the ground. I didn't decide to grow my hair out so that I could give you something to hold on to as you yell and intimidate me. I wanted to grow it out so that I could be pretty for you. But I am not pretty to you am I?

Anytime I question you - you tell me I'm controlling. You tried to spin me some yarn today about not being able to remember the login to the checking account so that you needed to get your own checking account - so that you could pay your credit cards of with it - faster. One you told me that I could not have access to. Then you made the comment that you paid 95% of your paycheck to your family, you should be able to do whatever you wish with the remaining 5. No questions asked - no telling me what you did with it.

That's fine so I get to have the same thing, right? ....NO!

Anger - Yelling - "Dont talk to me!"

Later in the day MORE yelling when I asked what you took $300 for and why you password protected your phone -

She is in town isnt she? I didn't say that outloud but that's what all signs are pointing to.

Pulling my hair, hitting my head on the wall, lock me out...."the kids are watching! STOP!"...."I DONT CARE!"

Now you are in jail. You might be out now. I dont know. You can't contact me until Weds afternoon. You cant come back to this house until Weds afternoon.

12 years - GONE! Actually it stopped at 11 years for me. I'm sure it's ALL my fault. I'm sure some of it really is but not that which you blame on me.

You made your own choices...you have your agency. I'm not going to live like this anymore. I don't want to be your wife anymore.

Another sleepless night

It must be nice to be at peace. He sleeps like a baby. Here I am again not sleeping. I am so miserable. I wonder what purpose my life has. Why me? Haven't I been a good person to you. Haven't I always just wanted the best for you, me, our kids, our family? I've worked hard. I've sacrificed. I've been selfless. I've put myself last because I thought I was sacrificing for something worth while. Now I realize you don't want it. You dont want the same things I want. You are happy to just let me be the one that works hard. Why am I here? How did I get here?

I think about forgiveness alot and it seems like an unattainable concept. I know I should forgive you but how can I forgive you when you are still the same old thing and you know it's my own fault I tried to turn you into who I wanted you to be and you know for my own defense I think that would be who the Lord wants you to be but alas you have your agency and you can ONLY BE who YOU WANT to be. And that is the underachieving husband who really doesnt love his wife, he's only with her because she is his golden ticket.

I"M USED! I"M USED! I'M USED! This is my life. Leave him and be ALONE as a broken woman. stay with him and be ALONE as a broken woman. IT"S NO DIFFERENT! Life is just stuck. It's a day to day endless torment of the SAME OLD CRAP and THERE IS NO WAY TO GET OUT OF IT! NONE! I AM STUCK HERE STUCK HERE STUCK HERE!

Lots of Fighting

The past couple of months we have been doing better in a few areas. We have been avoiding a lot of topics and discussions and pretending they don't exist. This week has been a horrible week.

Monday - fine
Tuesday - didnt see him all day, came home immediately left to go and play basketball with his new 20-something buddies
Wednesday - He got upset with me because he said that when he calls he wants me to be available to him
Thursday - I'm getting sick, he ignored me
Friday- He said he wanted to go play basketball again. I told him that I was going to let him decide his own priorities and that I wanted him to WANT to spend time with me and the kids. He said all I needed to do was to tell him if I would rather have him stay home but I told him that I wanted him to be able to make that determination for himself. He went and played ball - I didnt care - he would have ignored me anyway
Saturday - I made a snide comment to my friend about him infront of him. I apologized. He was pissed. I left him alone for a while and I needed to work out my feelings as well. I came to him later and had a good cry and told him about the anger I have inside because of all of the hurtful things he has done to me and that I havent been able to forgive him and get over it. He listened to me and gave me a hug. I felt validated. I took the older kids to a movie and then we read scriptures when I got home and then things took a turn for the worst.....

He reminded me that he is going to go to a pro-basketball game in April. I said that is fine -- it was fine. I asked him "when are you going to get taxes done?" ---silence ---

"can you please get them done next weekend?" ... no answer... no yes .. no no.. nothing!

I ask it again....he says he doesnt know. He said he will get them done before April 15th.

I say "could you get them done before the end of March?" - same thing...nothing

I snap at him "Why is this a GAME? Why do you have to act so coy?" I snap this as our youngest starts throwing up for the 5th time because she has the stomach flu

He storms downstairs and ignores all the times that I get up with her, even though he is downstairs watching TV, he cant get off of his lazy duff and help out, I have to wake up and help.

I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING! He is here to plan his leisure activities!

I try to go back to bed - I've been woken up too many times. I sit and STEW and stew and STEW!

About an hour has past...

I go downstairs and wake him up so we can talk.

I explain to him the reasons why I want to know when taxes are going to get done.

I guess none of those are reasonable he tells me he will F-in do them when he F-in wants to and that it will be before april 15th....

I tell him we need a "communication break"

actually I'm scared he is going to punch me!

I hate being married to him. I wish he would leave.

This Time Last Year....

I can't believe it has been a year since this all started. Well, when it officially all started. I think my husband was headed down the path to have an affair long before he even realized that that was the path that he was on.

I wonder how I am doing? Am I more healed then is "normal"? am I less? What is "normal"?

I think the next few months will be hard. Lots of "this time last year...." in my head.

"This time last year is when I found out about this..."

"This time last year is when I thought he was here but he was REALLY here..."

A lot of mulling it over in my brain again. If I could do that anymore then I already do now.

Now even more so then "usual" because it's the month of "this time last year".

I think counseling has helped. I think I need counseling on my own. I think he does too.

I still struggle with not knowing if I want to be in this marriage or not. I wonder "is this what my life is? My marriage is? Is this the DEFINING moment in my life?" If I stay married to him am I always going to be waiting for the "next one" am I always going to be paranoid and hurting? If I leave him am I forever going to be scarred by the divorce to a man that hurt me and betrayed me not once but twice (that I know of)? --- Is this me now -- the woman who has been done wrong and shattered by her husband?

I read her blog today - why do I do it. One reason - I want to keep tabs on her. Is she really gone and for good. She said that she called her old job and talked to the folks there. I was so thankful that my husband was not one of them - he was home with me with sick kids. But YAY! Good news! She is coming back (I think for a visit?) I dont know. It sounded like her sister is moving back. So then if her sister is back then it wont take long for her to follow. I don't think he job has been going very well. I wonder if they will hire her back. I wonder if they have a job opening. If she gets hired back then HE WILL QUIT his job. NO debating that. If this is just for a visit then how can I know for sure that he stays away from her. I don't even want a "Hey, long time no see. How is it going?" and if she gives him a hug or her give him one." It will MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE!!!!

March - Hard month to come. April - Even harder. May - June - will I get relief in July? Maybe August...maybe not.

Counseling Session II

We had the 2nd counseling session the other day. You've been on your best behavior. You've been acting shocked by anything that I say such as "You never want to spend time with the family. As soon as you get home you try to leave" - (Of course I had to word in in a "non-threatening" way, you know take out as many "you's" as possible and change them to "I feel") - so your response to all of that?

What!? (innocent shock) I don't understand why you think that? I only do that to try and make your life easier! Like taking out the trash and grocery shopping.

And me because I was so caught off guard by his innocent shock act. Couldn't remember to bring up the fact that no - what I really mean is how he is always trying to run to go by himself something at the mall.

I've been kicking myself ever since about not having that information to provide at the time I needed it. I'm sure I looked like a needy, controling idiot. Not next time - I had the hope that the counselor having interviewed us separately would say "ok this is what I think you 2 need!" she didnt really do that (until we told her we wanted to do that) so I'm going to prepare a list of things with examples that we can talk about - since we are paying $80 an hour for things that we should be able to talk about in the comfort of our own home.

That is if YOU could communicate!

So sum of - not hopeful - feeling stuck - regretting my marriage.