Everything a Woman Should Be

It's been a while since I posted last. Lots of catching up to do. But I will do that later...

I'm struggling. I discovered that he is having another affair with ANOTHER co-worker! Some place to work huh? I found her myspace page in about 5 mins of digging. Totally open to the public. The nights she is with her "sweet someone" you are out late with this buddy or that buddy. Looking over her pictures it makes me sick.

I'm everything a woman should be.....

I'm honest, kind, a good mother, faithful, God-fearing, I dress modestly, I'm accomplished, pretty, smart, I work-out, I help others, keep the Sabbath day holy, read my scriptures, go to the temple.

But none of those things matter and none of those are enough to keep him faithful!

Instead I'm seeing pictures of a 23 year old single mother. Who lives for parties, drinks like a fish, enjoys her cigarettes and bending over for the camera in her short shorts.

And for a minute.... just a MINUTE..I'm jealous!

"Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies" - Elizabeth Bowen

So I'm Jealous..... What am I thinking? Is this the GOLD standard for what a woman should be? No! Do I want to be this? Do I REALLY want to be her? NO!

"We don't really want what THEY HAVE. What we do want is the feeling of having what WE WANT, which is what WE THINK THEY HAVE!" -- Jan Johnson Drantell

Namely my husband.... namely them seeming to be happy!

So it hurts but I know that I don't want to be her. I dont want to be doing what she is doing. I see her smiling and laughing in her pictures! But is she HAPPY? Really? Is she happy with my husband? Really? No! It's all a big lie designed by the adversary that everyone (including me) is buying into.

I'm trying not to buy into it! I'm trying ...I'm trying...I'm trying!

But my crown of glory seems really far away. Judgement day seems REALLY far away! I kneel down to pray. I tell my feelings to my bishop. He gives me a priesthood blessing! I am reminded....


They are living up to the world's standard not Heavenly Father's standard....and that is what matters! This brings me comfort. It gives me perspective! It helps me to look at the situation for what it is....


Heavenly Father is pleased with me. He loves me. He loves them too. But he is not happy with their use of agency. And no matter how GOOD it seems to them right now. It's still not RIGHT.

And that brings me comfort because my qualities may not matter to him but they matter to my Savior and I'm everything a woman should be!

Done

My neck is stiff. It's stiff and my back hurts because you grabbed me by my ponytail tonight and jerked me up and and down until you forced me to the ground. I didn't decide to grow my hair out so that I could give you something to hold on to as you yell and intimidate me. I wanted to grow it out so that I could be pretty for you. But I am not pretty to you am I?

Anytime I question you - you tell me I'm controlling. You tried to spin me some yarn today about not being able to remember the login to the checking account so that you needed to get your own checking account - so that you could pay your credit cards of with it - faster. One you told me that I could not have access to. Then you made the comment that you paid 95% of your paycheck to your family, you should be able to do whatever you wish with the remaining 5. No questions asked - no telling me what you did with it.

That's fine so I get to have the same thing, right? ....NO!

Anger - Yelling - "Dont talk to me!"

Later in the day MORE yelling when I asked what you took $300 for and why you password protected your phone -

She is in town isnt she? I didn't say that outloud but that's what all signs are pointing to.

Pulling my hair, hitting my head on the wall, lock me out...."the kids are watching! STOP!"...."I DONT CARE!"

Now you are in jail. You might be out now. I dont know. You can't contact me until Weds afternoon. You cant come back to this house until Weds afternoon.

12 years - GONE! Actually it stopped at 11 years for me. I'm sure it's ALL my fault. I'm sure some of it really is but not that which you blame on me.

You made your own choices...you have your agency. I'm not going to live like this anymore. I don't want to be your wife anymore.

Another sleepless night

It must be nice to be at peace. He sleeps like a baby. Here I am again not sleeping. I am so miserable. I wonder what purpose my life has. Why me? Haven't I been a good person to you. Haven't I always just wanted the best for you, me, our kids, our family? I've worked hard. I've sacrificed. I've been selfless. I've put myself last because I thought I was sacrificing for something worth while. Now I realize you don't want it. You dont want the same things I want. You are happy to just let me be the one that works hard. Why am I here? How did I get here?

I think about forgiveness alot and it seems like an unattainable concept. I know I should forgive you but how can I forgive you when you are still the same old thing and you know it's my own fault I tried to turn you into who I wanted you to be and you know for my own defense I think that would be who the Lord wants you to be but alas you have your agency and you can ONLY BE who YOU WANT to be. And that is the underachieving husband who really doesnt love his wife, he's only with her because she is his golden ticket.

I"M USED! I"M USED! I'M USED! This is my life. Leave him and be ALONE as a broken woman. stay with him and be ALONE as a broken woman. IT"S NO DIFFERENT! Life is just stuck. It's a day to day endless torment of the SAME OLD CRAP and THERE IS NO WAY TO GET OUT OF IT! NONE! I AM STUCK HERE STUCK HERE STUCK HERE!

Lots of Fighting

The past couple of months we have been doing better in a few areas. We have been avoiding a lot of topics and discussions and pretending they don't exist. This week has been a horrible week.

Monday - fine
Tuesday - didnt see him all day, came home immediately left to go and play basketball with his new 20-something buddies
Wednesday - He got upset with me because he said that when he calls he wants me to be available to him
Thursday - I'm getting sick, he ignored me
Friday- He said he wanted to go play basketball again. I told him that I was going to let him decide his own priorities and that I wanted him to WANT to spend time with me and the kids. He said all I needed to do was to tell him if I would rather have him stay home but I told him that I wanted him to be able to make that determination for himself. He went and played ball - I didnt care - he would have ignored me anyway
Saturday - I made a snide comment to my friend about him infront of him. I apologized. He was pissed. I left him alone for a while and I needed to work out my feelings as well. I came to him later and had a good cry and told him about the anger I have inside because of all of the hurtful things he has done to me and that I havent been able to forgive him and get over it. He listened to me and gave me a hug. I felt validated. I took the older kids to a movie and then we read scriptures when I got home and then things took a turn for the worst.....

He reminded me that he is going to go to a pro-basketball game in April. I said that is fine -- it was fine. I asked him "when are you going to get taxes done?" ---silence ---

"can you please get them done next weekend?" ... no answer... no yes .. no no.. nothing!

I ask it again....he says he doesnt know. He said he will get them done before April 15th.

I say "could you get them done before the end of March?" - same thing...nothing

I snap at him "Why is this a GAME? Why do you have to act so coy?" I snap this as our youngest starts throwing up for the 5th time because she has the stomach flu

He storms downstairs and ignores all the times that I get up with her, even though he is downstairs watching TV, he cant get off of his lazy duff and help out, I have to wake up and help.

I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING! He is here to plan his leisure activities!

I try to go back to bed - I've been woken up too many times. I sit and STEW and stew and STEW!

About an hour has past...

I go downstairs and wake him up so we can talk.

I explain to him the reasons why I want to know when taxes are going to get done.

I guess none of those are reasonable he tells me he will F-in do them when he F-in wants to and that it will be before april 15th....

I tell him we need a "communication break"

actually I'm scared he is going to punch me!

I hate being married to him. I wish he would leave.

This Time Last Year....

I can't believe it has been a year since this all started. Well, when it officially all started. I think my husband was headed down the path to have an affair long before he even realized that that was the path that he was on.

I wonder how I am doing? Am I more healed then is "normal"? am I less? What is "normal"?

I think the next few months will be hard. Lots of "this time last year...." in my head.

"This time last year is when I found out about this..."

"This time last year is when I thought he was here but he was REALLY here..."

A lot of mulling it over in my brain again. If I could do that anymore then I already do now.

Now even more so then "usual" because it's the month of "this time last year".

I think counseling has helped. I think I need counseling on my own. I think he does too.

I still struggle with not knowing if I want to be in this marriage or not. I wonder "is this what my life is? My marriage is? Is this the DEFINING moment in my life?" If I stay married to him am I always going to be waiting for the "next one" am I always going to be paranoid and hurting? If I leave him am I forever going to be scarred by the divorce to a man that hurt me and betrayed me not once but twice (that I know of)? --- Is this me now -- the woman who has been done wrong and shattered by her husband?

I read her blog today - why do I do it. One reason - I want to keep tabs on her. Is she really gone and for good. She said that she called her old job and talked to the folks there. I was so thankful that my husband was not one of them - he was home with me with sick kids. But YAY! Good news! She is coming back (I think for a visit?) I dont know. It sounded like her sister is moving back. So then if her sister is back then it wont take long for her to follow. I don't think he job has been going very well. I wonder if they will hire her back. I wonder if they have a job opening. If she gets hired back then HE WILL QUIT his job. NO debating that. If this is just for a visit then how can I know for sure that he stays away from her. I don't even want a "Hey, long time no see. How is it going?" and if she gives him a hug or her give him one." It will MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE!!!!

March - Hard month to come. April - Even harder. May - June - will I get relief in July? Maybe August...maybe not.

Counseling Session II

We had the 2nd counseling session the other day. You've been on your best behavior. You've been acting shocked by anything that I say such as "You never want to spend time with the family. As soon as you get home you try to leave" - (Of course I had to word in in a "non-threatening" way, you know take out as many "you's" as possible and change them to "I feel") - so your response to all of that?

What!? (innocent shock) I don't understand why you think that? I only do that to try and make your life easier! Like taking out the trash and grocery shopping.

And me because I was so caught off guard by his innocent shock act. Couldn't remember to bring up the fact that no - what I really mean is how he is always trying to run to go by himself something at the mall.

I've been kicking myself ever since about not having that information to provide at the time I needed it. I'm sure I looked like a needy, controling idiot. Not next time - I had the hope that the counselor having interviewed us separately would say "ok this is what I think you 2 need!" she didnt really do that (until we told her we wanted to do that) so I'm going to prepare a list of things with examples that we can talk about - since we are paying $80 an hour for things that we should be able to talk about in the comfort of our own home.

That is if YOU could communicate!

So sum of - not hopeful - feeling stuck - regretting my marriage.

Counseling Day 1

I started counseling today. I told her all about our marriage and our relationship. I feel stupid. Getting it all out on the table with no fluff. It was stark and glaring and embarassing. Embarrassing because it shows me 2 things:

1) that I'm very strong
2) that I'm very stupid

Probably a little bit of both - I guess when I took my marriage vows and I said for better or for worse. I guess I really meant it and you are trying your hardest to show me what the worst REALLY looks like.

I told her about our marriage and I told her that you are a child of an alcoholic father. I told her about how your family CAN'T communicate that you ignore one another. I told her that you can't communicate that you ignore me. That instead of working out problems you either clam up and blow me off and then do whatever you want to do anyway or belittle me. I told her about how you aren't responsible and are a perpetual kid. I wonder if you will realize this and take ownership for it. I wonder if our marriage will survive this. On Day 1 I doubt it. I'm preparing myself for divorce. I dont want to be blindsided like I was with your affair.

I knew your parents screwed you up and now I have confirmation from a professional. Yay me! But what is the use in being right?

Do you know it? Do you believe it. Will you do something about it? You have a one-on-one session with her on Saturday. Wonder what will come out of that.

My outlet

We all have trials in our life. I know that. I've experienced some pretty significant ones in my 30+ years on this earth. Trials come in 3 ways:

1) consequences of our own actions
2) consequences of someone else's actions
3) randomly just because we are on this earth (the rain falls on everyone when they are standing outside)

This is my blog to get through this trial. This is my way to share my thoughts and feelings when I feel like I need to without taking ownership that these thoughts and feelings are coming from me.

I've been writing to myself when I feel like I need an outlet. So sometimes I will recall certains days sometimes I will want to mull over a certain subject. I think I'm just going to go with it, however it can be therapeutic to me is how it will have to be.

I'm hoping that this will help me. I'm going on 9 months since I found out about my husband's affair and I think I am better in a lot of ways but for the most part I have felt like I have been suffering in silence. I see other people in church who are going through trials that people know of and although I dont begrudge them any of that sympathy. I want to say "comfort me too! I need a word of hope or some encouragement. " I have a really good friend that has been my support through this. I know it has been a drain on her the weight of the burden she carries of knowing the things that she knows so I've been looking for other outlets to relieve the burden from her. This is my outlet.